Emmanuel

This is the contemporary song that we're singing in church this month.  I love it and it brings me peace.

My life has seemed to go off the rails a bit lately but I'm trying really hard to get better.  I want to be better by the time Isaac is born.  I've been talking a lot with Carla and a few other counselors when I need to.  It's helped in ways that I can't even describe.  It helps so much when I listen and I hear them say that the things I'm feeling and going through are normal for someone who has been through the trauma that I have.  I've realized that many times I've not been validated in my feelings.  They're pushed away by myself and other people.  It really helps to hear my team of professionals say that what happened to me was terrible, that many young girls wouldn't have survived.  I've been having long talks with Art about what this last assault has done to me emotionally and how I can't get past it in a few months.  I know it's going to be years of working through the feelings and processing the pain.  I don't think the CSA and the other assaults will ever leave me.  No matter what, they're a part of who I am.  They don't have to be the part that brings me down.  I can work on things and let the struggles be what make me stronger.  That doesn't mean that I'm not going to have days, weeks, even months of bad moods and depression.  I know that I can work through those times though with the help of my family.  I know now that it's not about me giving power to my perp or letting him win because I'm the one who has to carry the aftermath.  I've already won and he never had power from me. I've always had my power right here with me.  I have bad weeks but that doesn't mean I've lost or let "him" win.  No.  He's never going to win.  He can't be a winner because what he did to me and to Ray makes it certain that he will always be a child rapist, an abuser, a pedophile.  No one with that list of sins is ever going to win at anything.

Carla says I really need to strip down my life.  I need to only focus on things that are helping me heal and throw the rest away.  To me, that sounds so peaceful and a really great stress reliever.  It's helped that I've started back to church and it's helped that I started back to therapy...but it's also helped that I'm pulled myself away from some of the things that were really holding me back.

I'm going to take things slow and enjoy Christmas.  I'm going to enjoy my family...time with them and the love they give is enough to help me through anything.  I hope to go visit my dad before the first of the year.

Oh and Kayla and I are getting so excited about the Doctor Who Christmas Special.  Can't wait to cuddle up with that girl and drown in our tears for Matt!